Rain this one, sunshine

It took years to write this, this i imagine is the […] There is a wind running into shore from the sea, it sounds like the first line of a new chapter, a new section bringing us back to life from the brink. Perhaps we are reacting slightly, shivering or at leas hiding from the burning ultra violet light. It’s like an awful roman fleuve that is trying to swallow us whole, to place us in an impossible world. History as been written out of existence, its merely an illusion. Here we are in the breeze, sitting in the shade. A solitary burst of photons, UVa, is enough to unlock being, to unlock the day, some glassy particles of sand fly up from the beach towards us, the high pitched noise of the particles in the air is the secret accompaniment of life itself. Light bouncing off the particles delineates the day itself, announcing the event, a ship crashing into the shore, containers spilling off the ship and ending up hanging in space, light passing through the gaps in a straw hat, a child looks horrified as sheets of paper fly through the air, a translucent dress made see through by the light pressed against a woman is suddenly grey and flesh colored to every atom of its non-being. Here then let’s remember that reported speech is inherently unreliable. Meanings runaway from the speaker and reader. The noise inherent in reported speech hurts. Nothing that is said or presented in any semiotic system can be relied upon. There is always too much noise to be able to trust an image, a phrase, a gesture, any ideological tropes. What then can be trusted ?

- Why do you stay on the verandah all day ? The child asked him. Don’t you like going into the sea ? She is standing on the grass in front of him.He half smiled at her and moved his head in a way that was non-committal.The hotel veranda is set just above the surface of the lawn. The shade cantilevered over the veranda floor onto the grass which fifty metres away turns into a sandy beach. Behind the verandah, behind his back, the hotel is built on the steep that climbs on a 20 degree angle up to the white, grey and copper colored cliffs.
- Don’t you like going into the sea? I think it is special. She is looking curiously at him.
- Special? why is it special?
- At school they tell us that we shouldn’t use the word “awesome” to describe everything, that instead we should use other words like special. So I say (that because) the water is special, but really it’s awesome.
- Yes that’s true, it is. He said smiling at her.
- Don’t you like the sunshine ? I like it though I have to use factor 80 cream, it makes my skin glow my mummy says.
- That’s very good, as too much sunshine isn’t good for you.- Is that because of sunburn ?
- Yes… though too little sun is equally bad for you. Do you get sunburnt ?
- No, what do you think about it ?
- I think your afraid of being burnt. She said very seriously. If you start out slowly you won’t get burnt.
- True, I don’t like getting sunburnt. This days, especially, the sunshine is very bad for me.
- Why do you come here if you don’t like getting a tan ? She asked, looking thoughtfully at him.
- You have a gift for logic, which is remarkable in this world. What is your name ? He asked.
- My name is S, though my friends call me S, with the accent on the z, so it sounds slithery and Polish.
- Why is that are you from Poland?
- Of course I am Polish, she said, totally Polish but I care about the words people use to identify me, because of the internet they always speak with invisible accents over words, and i like words and languages, and also I know your anthem by heart […] you know the mayor came to my school and told us about the national song, its our national identity, I don’t like the guy who wants to not sing the anthem, I don’t like him.
He looked at her a little sadly, the fascists do like getting the children young he thought. The light was getting even brighter and more intense. His shades were failing to protect his eyes from the falling photons.
- What is your name ? she asked
- Sam_eve
- Which direction is Poland?
He pointed up to the left of the sun.
- In that direction, you can see the sun at night.
- Perhaps you don’t know who I was referring to, she said. The sound waves from her voice washing over him.He didn’t reply immediately, he had half closed his eyes to keep the light down.
- No I don’t. Have your parents taken you to see the Ichthyform Levanticus ?
She didn’t reply immediately, pausing as she thought about the Ikky which was out there somewhere beyond the horizon.
- I hope your not in his party, at home we are supposed to respect others opinions but I just don’t, that mans opinion. She scrutinized his face and kicked sand to the side.
- Surely, he said. But why don’t you like him ?
- Well I don’t like the way he talks on the internet, he tells stories, he sings, and he plays games. The mayor is more important than him and he said singing the anthem is really important. We read the words in the class.
- That’s important, he said, musing on the horrors of post-truth. He opened his bag and took a cardboard package out , taking a pill from the foil and taking it.
- What is the pill for ? Am I too noisy ? My dad says i am too noisy sometimes. She explained.
- No, its ok, I don’t think you are any trouble at all.
- Have you seen an Ikky ? she asked him pointedly.
- Yes, a few years ago.
- Where did you see that. She asked, looking suspiciously at him. As if not believing that’d he was telling her the truth.
- Way over there, beyond the horizon. The man closed his eyes, relaxing back into the chair. We were trying to catch one. It broke the ship.
- Are you asleep, perhaps I talked to much and have made you fall asleep. My parents are going to buy me an iphone, they said I need one when we go back home so they know where I am […] My dad is a builder, he works for the government and…
- That is a nice job. He responded his voice very quiet now. It’s a great profession building houses, much better than deconstructing houses.She gasped with surprise.
- That’s a weird job, deeeeconstruuucccting houses, They don’t teach that at school.
- It’s not so much a profession. Though it should be on a planet like this. Some military men have a real talent for it though. I used to be a military man so I learnt how to do that. We learnt how to treat the houses as space to move through. It gets boring deconstructing houses.She looked puzzled for a short time and then agreed.
- There are ideals about these things, he said. Has anyone explained what ideals are to you ?
- I think so. She said. They are good things to have if one honestly believes in them. If they are are good ones. They are bad things to have if they are bad ones.
- I guess i need to think about that, he said. It’s a very hot day for that. He said. Wondering how far away the horizon was here. He added that it was very hot today. He took another pill. He hoped it would rain properly before he died.- Perhaps you should go for a swim to cool down.
- I can’t its really not good for me anymore.Susan looked at him uncertainly.- Perhaps you are stressed.
- I am very stressed. He took another pill.- You take a lot of pills.
- I have a schedule that I must follow. The doctors insist you know.
- Are they good for you ? she asked doubtfully.
- They keep me alive, so they seem to be working.Grey drops of ugly rain began to fall into the sea. The heaviness of the rain produced a blackness out to sea.
- I guess i am talking too much.
- No, he said opening his eyes, lines appearing from each corner, what your saying is unique…
- We get social-historical lessons. They have got us up to the last war. The EU and the unification, so we learned lots of things about modern things. The teachers are funny though, sometimes they seem to want to say more, but don’t.
- It’s often like that he said, the input is never as wide as everyone wants. Too partial. The man is sitting still, his eyes closed. Sudden memories of giant waves far out to sea. The seas on this planet are alive with life.
- what about ideals? he asked her. The waves looked slightly bigger now the tide was turning.
- They are all great if you believe in them, she said. For example the species ideal looks good, if someone makes a mistake about this, if the intentions are good then its a valid ideal.
- Have to think about this, but its hot and I’m tired P{erhaps} I would love to go for a swim.
- you could go for a swim, she agreed.
- I don’t really want to move.
- That’s because your aren’t very motivated. Perhaps its stress. Would you like something else to drink ? She said.
- True I am very stressed and perhaps a little bored. He reached into his bag and took another pill. No, its OK I have water here.
- You do take a lot of pills.
- I have a schedule, I must follow the Doctors orders.
- Are you sure they are good for you ? I saw this program which said that people take too much medication and that we should change our diet.
- It’s only the medication that keeps me alive at the moment. I should be able to stop taking them once the effects of the radiation begin to lesson. He replied.
- But still. I don’t understand. she said looking curious.
- we are very stupid, frequently. So that we end up having to take pills because our situations demand. I’m hoping that if I consistently take the pills I will be able to travel home. My home was renamed after I left it, now its part of Europe. But when I was born it was part of yugoslavia…
- I’ve heard of that place.
- Really, that’s nice, well you know geography is less than history which is less than culture and these are less than dna signatures all of which are determined….
- Like fables and stories are less than narratives, my teacher says.
- Yes, but anyway where were you born ?- In a town in China, Wuhan, but I became english when my parents adopted me from the orphanage.
- Ah right, I didn’t realize that, and I had no idea that you weren’t born in europe like me. I can’t tell the differences between humans very well. Mostly the category differences are so trivial that my facial recognition simply fails.
- I think I have heard of this condition.
- It’s not that for me, strictly speaking I’m not human so…
- In the past human scientists used to invent non-existent scientific categories and differences, and then decide they shouldn’t exist.
- Why was that?
- Ït’s very complicated, the man sighed, and sad. To sad for this day. Why don’t you have a swim before lunch?
- After lunch perhaps not now. When I saw you before, always sitting here on the verandah, always reading. I thought maybe you were like a teacher, but now its confusing as you don’t seem to really be here.
– Ah, that maybe because of the facial recognition software, I suffer from prosopagnosia. Seeing her blank expression he explained. It’s face blindness, a cognitive disorder of face perception in which the ability to recognize familiar faces is impaired. In my case non-existent. So I use software to mediate between me and the world, which as I said doesn’t work very well.
- How did that happen ?
- I was blown up on a peace keeping mission. The chemotherapy is working on my body but whilst it is curing the cancer it makes the prosopagnosia worse…
- You seem very confused she said frowning at him. Is it because of the drugs ?
- Yes, the drugs and the software.
- Where was the peace-keeping mission ?
- In Eastern Europe, on the borders with Eurasia. We were there to try and minimize the casualties and support the interests of… He stopped speaking as he thought that she probably couldn’t understand the complexity of what he was trying to say.
- They say that some wars are necessary, it brings justice to places where there isn’t any. But we have children in my school who came from a place where there was a war and they said that their sister had died, bombs and missiles had destroyed their houses..
- Yes, that’s what I have to observe and try and prevent. How did it feel to know about that ?- Horrible. It was so scary. She is sitting down on the edge of the verandah looking at him seriously now.
- I had a crisis, personal and developmental when I got blown up. He said to her. It’s not unusual.
- I think I had one when I heard about that the children coming from the war. Is that a trauma ? He paused and smiled lightly at her. He couldn’t see his own smile any longer but still he often smiled.
- How old are you ? she continued seriously.- In my middle-forties. Yes being blown up is always traumatic.
- That’s like my mummy and daddy. That’s old to have a crisis.
- Not really, it can happen at any age. We are always changing, so…
- Oh. He wondered what her face looked like. He missed that.
- My Mummy and Daddy are getting divorced soon. I am going to live with mummy. They have structural incoherences my mummy says.
- That’s pretty normal. Must be serious if they are getting divorced.
- I think its her new boyfriend myself.
- You’re clever, he said My daughter and wife are arriving tomorrow, from London. I am looking forward to their coming. I think my wife and I have structural incoherences as well. We come from very different cultures.
- Can you recognize them ? She asked.
- They wear special indicators, so I can recognize them. I recognize my wife through her wearing a red cardigan, and her rings, my daughter through her cardigan or clothes she singularizes with a badge.
- Why do you spend so much time sitting here on the verandah ?- Well its simple enough, after I got blown up. I received a high radiation dose. So I’m using the pills to prevent the radiation from killing me. Bad effects of being a peace keeper…
- Will it take long ? Another two or three months of the drugs. But I’ll never be able to see faces again.
- I thought you said the drugs make it worse ? She said seriously.
- They do but the doctors tell me it will probably never recover now and may get worse. I live in hope.
- So if I see you tomorrow you’ll not recognize my face?
- That’s right, though if you are wearing the same clothes, or sound the same, I might recognize you.She laughed, a little delighted. He was smiling at her.
- You don’t seem to unhappy about it — so…
- That’s true, I am used to it now. My friends are getting used to it. so they say things like “ Hi Sam (that’s my name), it’s john or vanessa “ so I recognize them.
- Do they ever lie to you ? Like I saw in a film a few days ago when people got confused because they lied to one another about everything.
- I don’t know, they might, they would be existentially very confused. Whilst I wouldn’t know at all. I think I am existentially indifferent to the truth nowadays.They both laughed at this.
- That’s awesome. She stood up. Studying his face.
- I will always introduce myself so you know who I am. I’d better go and find mummy as its lunchtime. Perhaps we’ll see each other later.
- I hope so. He leans back into the chair, watching her run off to the restaurant. Feeling sad that he will never see her face. He wondered what her mother looks like. History, he thinks, is dominated by the utterance with its individuality and and randomness. He falls asleep in the chair shortly after she leaves. To be woken up a few hours later by his watch reminding him to take his drugs. He is just taking them with some gulps of water when he sees his wife’s cardigan and his daughter’s bronze leaping panther approaching him along the path. They have arrived early. Pleasure floods him. This he knows can be trusted.