port story 5. i have had enough of humans for the moment… station — ship — leaving…

All that remained on the bus passengers when we arrived at the porto stelio were a few young people, their hair cut into plaited styles, in front of me a old man with his bag on his sat beside him. There were a few other unassuming looking people scattered around the bus in pairs and singles. I asked the driver about my destination stop, that’s the last stop besides the station, we stop by the park. Its the end of the line. Finito. He said. I say down again at the back of the bus and waited. I was one of the last to get out. Besides the bus was a circular turning circle the centre of which was full of weeds. Across the circle the train station was as utilitarian and basic as you’d expect. The station was unexpectedly deserted. I walked around for a few minutes and found the road that leads down towards the port. There were trees in the square and a few benches, the road leading down towards the port was lined with hedges. There was a gentle breeze from the sea. The ground was sandy and dry. It was as I had left it nearly a year ago. It was exactly as you might imagine a small port town on the Mediterranean coast to be. Heading northwards towards Parisol I sat on a bench with my traveling bag beside me and wondered what to do next. Walk down the hill to make sure my luggage had arrived to be loaded on the shuttle? The shuttle was leaving soon, and since they already knew I had arrived in the port there was no hurry. Should I walk down the street to the Close for a final look? The lamps were lit giving off a warm creamy light. I sat on the bench and looked up. There was no moon in the sky but I could see the ship stationary in a geostationary orbit. I looked south of it and I could see the star that was most important to me. I stood up and stretched. I was about to walk down the hill. Music was playing down the hill, a version of Coltrane’s Impressions it was being played slowly, the piano was just beginning its solo. There was a man walking toward me across the square, dressed in jeans, a teeshirt with a portrait of Spinoza on it, a soprano saxophone in his hand, he was barefoot. He stopped about three metres away and asked if I was ? I said yes. It’s not called the Close anymore the name was changed to recently to Blackets Wood Drive. Why? He ignored my question. The place your looking for has changed into a bookshop. It was destroyed by a bomb during the terrorist outrages, three or four years ago. They jailed them, a small trial, nobody was hurt. They are in the local jail. After it was rebuilt it was turned into a bookshop, you can eat wonderful pastries there as well. What happened to the communists? They weren’t insured so they lost the building. Then they were jailed for seditious activities. They couldn’t have such people here causing trouble. Ah I’ll have to go down there and have a look. How do you remember all of this? Oh we thought you knew everything, Your travels have been followed everywhere. That’s hardly surprising. ( Astrid whispered in my ear — that’s untrue, they only noticed you about three months ago and even then, didn’t understand who you are…) From the visit to Lisbon until now your search for him has been followed. Oh the restaurant? the bar ? The bus trip over the Sierras? Yes. I’d ask you to go on but I need to walk down the hill. Stop, speak to me. You should have worn shoes I said. And began walking away, slowly. He walked behind me. The ground was covered in sand and dust. Do you remember the secretaries in London, and the librarian who used to know him, he worked for the company, you showed him the photo that you have and he told you nothing of the work he’d done, but he told you that he’d liked the place in the Close, that was tomorrow or the past, so, as you are leaving soon. Tomorrow or the day after I supplied. This is the end he said. I turned into the Close and looked at the printing works on the corner. It’s still here I said to him, just as the mapping system shows. Your use of time is strange, I said. The future, past, present its all the same these days, he said. I looked at the shopfront, the people behind the window doing whatever people in that line of work do on a daily basis. It must be next year that it gets blown up, he said. Turning the corner I could see the long shuttle sitting on the water… And right at that moment I saw him, clive, he was walking down the hill beside the hedge, he was dressed in a dark blue silk suit, and just as I’d seen him a long time ago at the Hotel de Ville, he had a black hat on. He held out his hand in greeting, took mine and kissed it. Hello I see you have found me. I still exist, though I’m leaving shortly, I said, Walk with me to the shore. He slipped his arm through mine just as he used to, he held my hand in his and said. come with me, stay. You’ll have to walk with me down to the shore., i said, I was hoping you would come with me. We walked down the lane towards the sea, the shuttle was preparing. The scent of the flowers in the hedges was heady and intoxicating. I will miss the smells tomorrow I told him. Where are you taking me he asked. The bay had a few yachts in the small marina, a few people swimming in the night. On the far side of the marina that we walking through a boat taxi was waiting for me, its lights brightly lit. Stay he was saying, stay. I walked onto the pier and stopped. You should buy some shoes, wear them with socks. Good philosopher, Spinoza, I said gesturing at his chest, goodbye. Do you want to come on a brief boat ride clive? I climbed on board first then reached out to take one of his hands. The boat taxi was empty. I sat him on the deck in one of the black and white canvas chairs. Astrid told me that the last of the passengers were queuing to board the shuttle. The silver filagree of the additional nervous system was coming to life across my abdomen and arms, in a few hours they would begin to spread down my legs and up my neck under my hair. We can’t look at the night sky because of the lights on the shuttle he said, gesturing above it. The boat moved without a sound across the bay. He took my hands, where are we going and where are you taking me? He asked. Don’t you recognize the bay’, I said to him. We are passing through into ship time. Those are lights of the port, we are in that moment when we have to — see see — we are in the boat taxi. We said goodbye last time on a boat taxi like this, that night when the Hotel de Ville was bombed, we said goodbye, do you remember? This is the future. In this now, that has passed? Do you remember? That’s not possible, we are in this present, this here and now. Right now. He said. No I explained, it is possible to erase that past between the last time and this. All you have to do is when we get off this boat is board the shuttle and stay with me or walk down the pier towards the land and stay here. You can choose to say hello or goodbye.

Alright, if I have to choose then I want to know what your life has been like. Surely, I said, you have been told everything they know here, already, about me or you would have appeared before…. I ran away whilst I could, whilst you stayed, and I made it through and back. He looked a little sadly at me. You have found me in your last transition, but I have found you, to offer you a new future, or perhaps you will disappear into nothing. Disappear? I said, what do you mean clive? I traveled on a very long line to see if I could see you again, what is it that your hinting at ? He squeezed my hand, holding onto me, sampling me. I mean you wanted to free yourself from your regrets at leaving me. I forgive you he said, you are not guilty of anything. We would like you back, we want you to stay. The lights of the pier were drawing closer. The boat was humming, the water lapping against the side. I could hear the noise of the shuffling feet of the people boarding. Otherwise that warm night was quiet. I shook my head. What is the point of telling you about my life? I have been following your traces to find you, we know as much about you as we could, structured new memories of you, we found you too late to spend the days and weeks I was hoping for before we leave again. Too late to rationally persuade you to come with us. To leave this myth soaked planet behind and to come with us. I smiled at him watching the water splash him and I sang to him “I travel the spaceways….” My ship is waiting for me. When I left I ran away towards nothing, and I made it into this, now we have met again on the very last day… Is that your ship pointing at the shuttle. No i said that is just the shuttle, it’s there pointing at it. When I left i wanted to vanish, to escape from my pursuers.I freed myself from remorse over our past, I wanted to see if you had done the same, i searched for you, to forgive you, pardon myself and to receive your answer. Which the other boat-taxi ride never gave us, as we travelled across poole harbour, you are released from you guilt, you’re free of guilt, there is no child of yours here or anywhere, you can go in peace or accompany me our circles are complete. All I need to know is where is this place of yours in this moment ? If you walk along the road we met, past the church its the next block, the blue door on the third floor. That is my life here, there could be two names on the door. You shouldn’t feel any regrets. I knew he wouldn’t travel with me. The boat docked on the pier. Clouds were obscuring the sky, The lights from the ship were lighting the undersides. They wanted to rain, but couldn’t because of the shuttle. clive put on a jacket. This is just like the night we parted, remember? It was raining then though. clive wait, I said, don’t leave, come with me. He stood, and kissed me. Goodbye, he said, this is the last time, I will never see you again. Goodbye. And he climbed onto the pier and walked away back towards the shore. He went to a restaurant on the shoreline with a green tree. (clive became a man of the state, Astrid said in my ear.) I stood for a while. Sorry, I said, Doesn’t matter it was just an idea. That he might come with us. (By the time we come back here everyone will be dead and long forgotten. Except by you and me. Astrid said softly.) We travel the spaceways from planet to planet. Relativity, I said.

I wish the pier had wooden planks, I said. I loved him you know. I know. I printed a picture of him and put it in my pocket. I put it into my pocket. I’ll take this with me. Sometimes an image is all that remains of anything. I looked up at the sky that was now clear of clouds and could see a familiar star or two. I looked down the pier and could see clive waving from the pier saying goodbye. I turned away and walked towards the end of the pier. The crew members and port staff moved out of the way as I walked down the pier. An avatar of Astrid was standing in front of me at the end of the pier, dressed in her familiar grey tunic. “Night Captain.” Pleased to see me after our long layover. It was dark now. She was drawing a circle of dust on the pier. Her right hand on her left shoulder. “It’s time to go back, to leave, everything has been uploaded, your search is over. ” Astrid bent over, and erased the circle she had drawn. “There was nothing left to learn here, even my imaginary no longer feels any affection for this old place.” We are standing at the end of the pier, they have stopped the people boarding as we talk. Astrid is granting me a few final moments of rest before I put on my Captain’s hat. The filagree has reached my thighs. I wave the picture of Clive at her. “I’ll put this in drawer somewhere. “ “Neither remembered nor forgotten.” Astrid says. I looked at the stalled queue of passengers. I step forward and my clothes change into my usual grey working clothes. Astrid is singing a song about the seven lovers of the Pleiades. “You could have just copied him. After all nothing around here could stop you from simply copying him…” “I know, but perhaps I just prefer the memories, I was young. ” I started down the tube and into the shuttle. At that instant I saw clive, he was waving a scarf and saying goodbye. I cut the feed from the outside. “So Astrid is there anything that needs my attention?” “Loading is a little behind schedule… luggage and freight, nearly all the humans are aboard…” “We’ll put them into slow time after my walkthrough… I have had enough of humans for the moment…” Astrid put her hand on my shoulder, sorry.